Dear my 2018~
Almost 2.00 AM but i keep to stay awake. It's common because i'm very hard to sleep. Too many thought, too many contemplation, but always spacing out and mostly doing nothing. Yes, it was me in 2018.
Could I said that 2018 was the worst year in twenty something in my life? Should I said like that? Maybe when I faced off in my every years always giving hardships and obstacles but sure giving happiness and achievement. In 2018 was almost nothing. Nothing achievement, my resolution was just being texting but never happen. Hurt!
I was late getting graduation. My 2018's resolution was being graduation but failed. I gave my full effort to made this happen but still failed and I must extended my study. I never planned like that. I was spacing out, I didn't know what must I do, I never made plan B, I desperate so much. Then I scarifice my 5 months fee to paid my tuition fee for extended study. I was poor, no! I'm poor till now.
Because of that, I lost my scholarship. In 2013, I applied a scholarship to one of professor and I could attend that uni after I finished my undergraduate, but sadly it has been expired. Because of the scholarship just only until 2018 meanwhile I don't graduate yet. Misery.
And then, I diagnosed one of rare disease. Ah why my life like that. I know that my body is not stronger than everyone thinking. I'm weak and I realized that my life is full of risk. My doctor said that I must prevent myself to getting hurt. Hurt in the reality not imagine or else. I'm bleeding so much, I risk for being woman because this disease will be able to take my life if I do my job become true woman. Oh why just why.
In 2018 nothing one paper or essay that I write. I'm not productive. I spent my 2018 being procrastination ah I hate my self. Even I hate myself how about others?!
And what about love? Blurry and keep madly without the clear statement. But still hope that the heavy rain has done and I get the rainbow, someday.
2018 was the most many suicidal attempt that i tried. oh how bad i am. Hate myself is getting more worse everyday and I can't pull of this. But fortunately I'm still alive and want to up again.
Even my 2018 was the worst but I still promise to make my 2019 getting better and consistent to achieve my desire. It's okay to failed, it's okay to taking a long way than another, because i always believe that everything will be happen if more effort given. So, never stop believing and make it happen.
So, for my 2018 thank for giving great value to handle pain, desperate, sick, feeling hopeless, and also thank to myself for keeping struggle and don't ever give up.
And for my 2019, let's conquer everything that I can't achieve yet in 2018. Let's be happy, health, and meaningful to others.
From me to myself.
-R-
Almost 2.00 AM but i keep to stay awake. It's common because i'm very hard to sleep. Too many thought, too many contemplation, but always spacing out and mostly doing nothing. Yes, it was me in 2018.
Could I said that 2018 was the worst year in twenty something in my life? Should I said like that? Maybe when I faced off in my every years always giving hardships and obstacles but sure giving happiness and achievement. In 2018 was almost nothing. Nothing achievement, my resolution was just being texting but never happen. Hurt!
I was late getting graduation. My 2018's resolution was being graduation but failed. I gave my full effort to made this happen but still failed and I must extended my study. I never planned like that. I was spacing out, I didn't know what must I do, I never made plan B, I desperate so much. Then I scarifice my 5 months fee to paid my tuition fee for extended study. I was poor, no! I'm poor till now.
Because of that, I lost my scholarship. In 2013, I applied a scholarship to one of professor and I could attend that uni after I finished my undergraduate, but sadly it has been expired. Because of the scholarship just only until 2018 meanwhile I don't graduate yet. Misery.
And then, I diagnosed one of rare disease. Ah why my life like that. I know that my body is not stronger than everyone thinking. I'm weak and I realized that my life is full of risk. My doctor said that I must prevent myself to getting hurt. Hurt in the reality not imagine or else. I'm bleeding so much, I risk for being woman because this disease will be able to take my life if I do my job become true woman. Oh why just why.
In 2018 nothing one paper or essay that I write. I'm not productive. I spent my 2018 being procrastination ah I hate my self. Even I hate myself how about others?!
And what about love? Blurry and keep madly without the clear statement. But still hope that the heavy rain has done and I get the rainbow, someday.
2018 was the most many suicidal attempt that i tried. oh how bad i am. Hate myself is getting more worse everyday and I can't pull of this. But fortunately I'm still alive and want to up again.
Even my 2018 was the worst but I still promise to make my 2019 getting better and consistent to achieve my desire. It's okay to failed, it's okay to taking a long way than another, because i always believe that everything will be happen if more effort given. So, never stop believing and make it happen.
So, for my 2018 thank for giving great value to handle pain, desperate, sick, feeling hopeless, and also thank to myself for keeping struggle and don't ever give up.
And for my 2019, let's conquer everything that I can't achieve yet in 2018. Let's be happy, health, and meaningful to others.
From me to myself.
-R-
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